Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.
You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together
— and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for
marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the
altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.
No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The
wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking,
sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and
companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.
The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony
The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often
fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain
cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in
their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the
hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that
fell short of matrimony.
Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us
have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons
for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet
marriage.
1. It’s okay to cry — and you probably should.
Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the
other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to
end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you’ve been
together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the
ceremony and covenant, it’s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.
It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren’t made for this misery.
God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in
oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13).
Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our
marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that
dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s
intention.
This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage,
but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing
is not only appropriate, but good. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed
of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like
Christ’s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that
the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying
love for you.
And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and
out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync.
This doesn’t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there
should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s not how it’s supposed to
be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us
the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest
about him and his love for the church.
“God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed.” Tweet
2. Don’t try again too quickly.
Knowing and embracing God’s design for permanence in marriage and
dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take
healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most
popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in
the age of online dating and social media, we really don’t have to work
very hard to find another prospect.
Affection can be an addiction. If you’ve been on dates, held hands,
seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another’s
attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to
find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness,
our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date
patiently and carefully. It’s too easy to leave a trail of wounded
people behind in our pursuit of a partner.
It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re
not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for
your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you
might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to
regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.
3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.
The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or
failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior —
that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it
does not nullify God’s grace to and through you.
Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we
let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is
more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In
the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian
fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian
community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more
likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.
But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God.
Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true
every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in
Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and
his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you.
God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you’re
the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.
4. You are better having loved and lost.
There’s a unique shame and brokenness associated with breakups.
Relationships and love may be celebrated more in the church than
anywhere else because we (rightly) love marriage so much. Unfortunately,
these same convictions often make breakups an uncomfortable
conversation — at best embarrassing and at worst scandalous or
humiliating.
You feel like damaged goods, like you’ve been ruined in God’s eyes or
in the eyes of others. The hard-to-believe, but beautiful truth is that
broken-up you is a better you. If in your sorrow you turn to
the Lord and repent of whatever sin you brought to this relationship,
you are as precious to your heavenly Father as you have ever been, and
he is using every inch of your heartache, failure, or regret to make you
more of what he created you to be and to give you more of what he
created you to enjoy — himself.
When one prize is stripped away, we can graciously be reminded of how little we have apart from Christ and
the fortune he’s purchased for us with his blood. He has become for us
wisdom for the foolish, righteousness for sinners, sanctification for
the broken, and redemption for the lost and afraid (1 Corinthians 1:30)
— and affection and security and identity for the lonely man or woman
reeling after the end of a relationship. So even in the aftermath of a
breakup we have reason to boast, as long as our boast is in everything
Christ is for us (1 Corinthians 1:31).
In Jesus, God is always and only doing good to you. There’s no
circumstance facing you that he’s not engineering to give you deep and
durable life and freedom and joy. He loves our lasting joy in him much
more than he loves our temporary comfort today. He’ll make the trade any
day, and we can be glad he does. Know that God is doing good, even when we feel worst.
“Because of God’s good and sovereign grace, you are better having loved and lost.” Tweet
5. Even if you can’t be friends now, you will be siblings forever.
For Christian relationships, breakups are never the end. Whether it sounds appealing now or not, you will be together forever (Revelation 7:9–10). And you’ll do so in a new world where no one is married, and everyone is happy (Matthew 22:30; Psalm 16:11). Sounds too good to be true, right? So what would it mean to move on and think about our ex in light of eternity?
While you will meet again and forever in heaven, you may not be able
to be friends now. And that is not necessarily sinful. In fact, in many
cases, the healthiest thing emotionally and spiritually will be to
create some space and boundaries. Hearts that have been given away, at
whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations again.
Reconciliation does not require closeness. It does require
forgiveness and brotherly love. You could start by praying for them,
even when you can’t handle talking to them. Pray that their faith would
increase, that God would bring believing brothers or sisters around
them, that he would heal and restore their heart, that he would make
them more like Jesus.
We need to learn to live today in our relationships, old and new, in
light of our eternity together. Our patience, kindness, and forgiveness
in breakups will shine beautifully next to the selfish, vindictive
responses modeled in reality TV and adopted thoughtlessly by the rest of
the world.
6. “It’s not you, it’s God” is not enough.
It might be one of the most popular Christian break-up lines, “God is
leading me to do this.” “God told me we need to break up.” “I saw a
vision in a bush on my way to class and we weren’t together.” All of
them can probably be summed up like this, “Look, it’s not you, it’s
God.”
God very well may lead you to a breakup, but don’t use him as a
scapegoat. Own your own sin and ask for forgiveness where it is needed.
Then be honest about how you came to this decision, how he made this
direction clear to you. Sure, some things will be intangible, but find
the tangible factors. This is not a license to say harmful things, but
helpful things, even if they may hurt initially.
First, it’s wise not to be alone in your opinion about the need to
break up. Yes, your boyfriend or girlfriend may not agree, but you need
to share and confirm your perspective with someone who loves Jesus and
both of you. Go to someone you know can assess your heart in wanting to
get out. If it can be a married man or woman, all the better. Talk to
someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage, and see what
they think about your “deal-breaker(s)” in the relationship.
Our imagination, especially in an emotional crisis, can be a lethal
weapon that Satan leverages against us for evil. When we leave
everything vague and spiritual, our ex will not, and the majority of
what their mind creates will be lies from the devil to destroy them.
Give them enough information about how God led you to this decision
without crushing them or tearing them down.
I say “enough” because there are lots of true-but-unhelpful things
you could say. Again, run your talking points past a Christian brother
or sister before taking them to your soon-to-be ex. In the end, they
don’t have to agree with you, but it’s loving to help them toward the
clarity and closure you’re feeling. It just may free them to grow and
move forward sooner and with fewer questions.
7. Your Father knows your needs.
You’re probably questioning this in the wake of your breakup, but God
does know what you need, and he’s never too slow to provide it. He
might reveal things to you about the things you thought you needed. Or
he might simply show you how much more you need him than anything or
anyone else.
God feeds the unemployed birds of the air (Matthew 6:26).
God grows the flowers of the field and makes them beautiful, even
though they’ll be cut, stomped, eaten, or frozen in a matter of days or
weeks (Matthew 6:28–30). How much more will this Father care and provide for his blood-bought children?
When you ask for a husband, he won’t give you a snake. When you ask
for a wife, he won’t give you a scorpion. Even when it looks like he’s
done you harm, he hasn’t. He loves you. He knows what’s best for you.
And all things are at his disposal. All things.
One way God provides for us through breakups is by making it clear —
by whatever means and for whatever reason — this relationship was not
his plan for our marriage. The heart of Christian dating
is looking for clarity more than intimacy. This probably won’t taste
sweet in the moment, but if you treasure clarity, breakups won’t be all
bad news. We all know some of the news we need most is hardest for a
time, but fruitful down the road.
Trust him to provide for you each day (or year) whether you get
married or not. If you do get married, know that he will bring the
imperfect man or woman you need.
8. Learn from love lost.
One of Satan’s greatest victories in a breakup is convincing a guy or
girl, “It was all the other person’s fault, and I’ve already arrived as
a future husband or wife.” The reality is no one — married or not — has
fully arrived this side of glory. We are all flawed and filled with the Spirit, so we will all always be learning and growing as people and spouses — present or future.
After the emotional tidal wave has crashed and passed, take some time
alone and then with close friends to assess where God’s carrying you —
who he’s making you to be — through this. Identify an area or areas
where you want to strive to be more gracious or more discerning or more
faithful — more like Jesus — moving forward.
You won’t have many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and
specific as a breakup, so it truly is a unique time for some hopeful,
healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers.
9. Jesus will help you find joy in the shadows of heartbreak.
When we’re left alone and feeling abandoned, it’s really hard to
believe anyone knows what we’re going through. That may even be true of
the good-intentioned people around you. It is not true of Jesus.
This Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken. “A bruised
reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until
he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will have
hope” (Matthew 12:20–21).
The joy is not in knowing that Jesus had it hard, too. Not much
comfort there. The joy is in knowing that the one who suffered in your
place died and rose again to end suffering for his saints. God saved the
world and defeated death through his suffering, and your suffering in
the midst of your walk with Jesus — in this case, in a breakup — unites
you to that victory, the greatest victory ever won. For those who hope
in Jesus, all pain — unexpected cancer, unfair criticism, an unwanted
break up — was given an expiration date and repurposed until then to
unite us in love to our suffering Savior.
Jesus went before the broken-hearted to pave the way for joy in pain.
We live, survive, and thrive by looking to him, “who for the joy that
was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2).
His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and greatest
reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup.
If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God
has chosen this particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that
last. No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the
good things that happen through them in you — even through their
sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.
Written By: Marshall Segal
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